23rd October, 2008
Nick Hogan’s Top 5 post-prison promises
Nick Hogan is a free man after 166 days in prison and according to Mom Linda, he's a "changed person." But just what did the 18 year-old C-lister offspring learn during his 166 days in the big house for reckless cruising and DUI? Dateline Hollywood has gotten a copy of a list of promises that Nick Hogan made to himself on his last day in prison in order to try and improve his life:
1. Stop jacking off to pictures of my Mom
Sure it got really lonely in prison with no chicks around and that one big black guy who made me toss his salad every Thursday. And yes, my Mom is super sexy in a slutty Pam Anderson way with those big fake boobs and dyed blond hair and collagen lips and an ass that... Stop it! That's gross, Nick! She's your Mom!
Jacking off to pictures of your own mother is totally nasty and maybe even illegal, no matter how smoking hot she is. I am definitely going to find some porn star who's even hotter then my Mom to jack off too.
2. Start using that Rogaine Dad gave me
I'm only 18 and the way my hairline is receding, I'm gonna have less hair than Dad by the time I'm 21. My roome in prison was always teasing me that he has more hair on his ass than I have on the front of my head. WTF is up with that, God??? No, I promised the pastor in prison I won't get angry at God anymore. I know I need to start using that Rogaine, but it's just so embarrassing. What if one of my friends saw found it? Or a girl?? Or Mom???
3. Pick a network for my reality show
Now that I'm getting out of prison, Mom and Dad say I have to start making money, which is totally unfair. They say I have to make an honest living -- no working at a gas station or the grocery store -- which means I have to decide whether to do my reality show on VH1, E!, or MTV 2.
4. No more jacking off to pictures of my sister Brooke
For reasons, see promise number 1 above. Though this one isn't quite as gross, so I'll let myself jack off my ultra hot slutty sister a few weeks longer until I've totally over Mom.
5. Don't drive a car
Because if TMZ or some other scumbag paparazzi gets a picture of me behind the wheel, they're totally going to make a big deal out of it.
Tags: dui, hollywood, paparazzi, pictures, stylePosted at 3:47 pm | Comment (0)